TMS Transcranial Magnetic Stimulation

Bad evening sent me down that damn familiar road. Is TMS working or not working? Which is it? I think the good feelings are stretching out for longer periods of time. Yesterday and today I had the longest stretch of feelings of happiness I have felt in many years. Unfortunately tonight I had one of the worst nights. I want to give up, on everything.

I can't believe it, the 30 days are almost done. At day 26 I had given up on TMS working and now I think it's going to work. Today I feel frazzled, distracted, confused,but peaceful at the same time. TMS has definitely given me a strangely serious focus. It's dangerous, almost maybe something like I always imagined mania to be. I feel loud and clumsy, exposed.I feel like people can see my awkwardness. I am ravenous also when hungry, like a child, I run for food and eat it, with abandon. I stop eating as suddenly as I start, as if I hit a wall; suddenly, I have had enough. It reminds me of a small child's declaration, "I'm done". A child always and easily knows when hungry and when satisfied. Adulting has taught us to ignore what's natural and let the outer world be our gauge. Maybe TMS, has turned up the volume of the inside. Maybe that's why I feel exposed, I am afraid others can hear what I am thinking.

I had hours of peace and a feeling I can only describe as happiness. I am not sure if that is what it is/was. I can't say I was "glad to be alive" as I have heard so many people others say, but I felt nice. I saw the sunlight through my windows and admired it's beauty, I enjoyed the love my little dog freely gave me, and I felt her gratitude for the home cooking she is enjoying lately. I had a school project to do, and really dreaded it, but once there, I had focus. When I returned home again after such a long day, again, I felt at peace. I have fewer thoughts. This is a part of it, or maybe I have fewer "old thoughts". There is room to think new thoughts now.

Today's treatment hurt A LOT again. I have no idea why. It seems I was getting more out of the treatments when they hurt more in the beginning, so I sucked it up and hoped it would pay off. In some ways I thought it did, I felt focused for a few hours. Of course now its 6:40 and its worn off and I have homework to do, and I am fooling around with this Blog and trying to upload my videos. Its very hard to stop doing something when I get started now. Ten more treatments and I am looking forward to this ending as it has added another chore in my already too full list of obligations and without enough gain at this point to feel as driven as I was in the beginning. Although I was tired today and wanted to call in sick, but I am still not willing to miss any treatments, lest they really are re-writing code to my brain and I screw the whole thing up. Love Truman.

Today was horrible. I was able to force myself to study for almost two hours, but each minute of it (congressional influence over agencies) was hell on earth. Then for some reason while surfing around looking for an old blog, I found a website of a law firm suing Bank of America. Naturally I reached out, and they called back right away. She sounded legitimate; they are suing for not only fiscal but emotional damages from the Hamp program that scammed so many of us. So the rest of my day was ruined as I searched for documents etc. I am not sure if this is different than my normal misery, but misery it is nonetheless. I am never getting out of this hell. Anything sends me down rabbit holes of obsessions and pain. I have had a constant neck and head ache for weeks, probably from the TMS, and I don't know how this is related, but I am even more lonely than I was before. I reach out less now. I sit on my couch staring into the abyss. In the past I would call people, or text, clinging...

On the third day before treatment in the morning, I felt happy for the first time, in years, many years. I looked better, I was laughing with a friend at work, selling TMS like Jesus sold the bible. Just believe in this shit, I am telling you, just ask and it is given. But as I left the chair on the third day, I felt confused, DAMMIT FRED. I ignored Fred, and went on with my day. My salad tasted like heaven and I threw out the ziti I had brought for lunch, who needs carbs, I was living on TMS; energy baby. I spent night three doing school work, as fast as my fingers could type I could produce. I was ignoring the old cliche that kept creeping up into my brain..... if it seems to good to be true, its probably Joey Bottafuoco.